Forgiveness and Love in Conflict and Reconciliation

Sermon delivered by Cindy Manning on September 6, 2026.

Grace, mercy, and peace be with you from God our father and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Today’s Gospel is one many people shy away from. Why? It’s about conflict. None of us like to deal with conflict. Yet, we all experience it from time to time. We hear in Matthew 18:15–18 guidance from Jesus on how to handle conflict in the church. Remembering the church is the community of believers in God’s family. This advice can serve us well. Is it easy? Most likely not. We, as Christians, have a responsibility to deal with sins against us or conflicts if you will. We have all sorts of conflicts in our lives and within our world. Daily we are bombarded with hearing about war, political conflicts, injustices of conflicts, local conflicts, worldly conflicts. And of course we have our own personal conflicts. The easy route is to throw up our hands and walk away or hide our heads in the sand and pretend the issue or issues don’t exist. But is that what Jesus says we should do? I’m sure all of us in this room have used words that caused hurt to other people. Words can be hurtful, are very powerful, and matter. Sometimes the verbal abuse can be worse or just as damaging as physical abuse. We sometimes may not want to believe that we could be part of the problem or are the problem. But sometimes we are. We all sin, and we all are capable of causing hurt, be it intentional or unintentional.

Today, Jesus gives some explicit directions about handling conflict. He commands us to reconcile, but along with that command, he gives us great assurance that he will always be with us. After all, we know that he reconciled our greatest conflict by taking up our cross so that we might have life through forgiveness and grace.

This passage reminds me of the steps to conflict resolution in the company I retired from. They had it in our employee handbook. If you were having an issue or conflict with another employee, and you went to your supervisor or HR about it, the first question you were asked is: “Have you discussed the issue with the other party or parties involved?” If you answered no, guess what, they sent you right back out the door so you could follow through with a one-on-one conversation. The only exception would be if you felt threatened by the other party. So, we must remember to be safe in our conflict resolution work. If that didn’t succeed, the company process was to get others involved, typically the leads and supervisors or perhaps the manager. If it was an event that happened in a public setting, then those others present may be asked to be interviewed. And if that failed, it went to Human Resources for investigation and resolution.

Let’s take a deeper look at the steps Jesus tells us to take in handling conflicts.

First, we are told to take the issue up with the person involved — with the person that has sinned against or has hurt us or that we believe has done wrong against us. We are told this discussion, or confrontation should take place quietly between us and the party involved and not others. Get it out in the open. But we also know as Christians, this discussion should be two sided, and we should confront the other person with patience and love. Have you ever had someone confront you and all you hear in the conversation is “you” — why did “you” do this or why did “you” say that? We tend to use the “you” word rather than, I. “I felt betrayed or hurt because of” this or that. You can fill in the blanks. Maybe, instead of placing blame as we humans often do, before even engaging in the conversation, we should look in the mirror and do a reality check to see if perhaps we had a part in the issue. Exercising calm and turning an accusation into a two-sided conversation goes a long way toward reconciliation. Regardless of the circumstance, it’s also okay to disagree with the other party’s viewpoint. But acknowledging their feelings and being open is important to reconciling the conflict. Even as a parent confronting a child, the reconciliation goes faster and further when you let them know how the issue makes you feel while also letting them know regardless of the situation that you love them.

Second, Jesus tells us if we cannot come to agreement or resolution then we should get others involved. Just as in my company’s policy of getting a lead or supervisor involved, one may need to ask for help. The best description of this would be what we might call an intervention — involving those that have the best interests of both the parties involved. To not be accusatory, but to be a listening party and offer suggestions to help move the issue to reconciliation. It could be equated much like the 12-step program for substance, alcohol, or gambling abuse. Again, this is carried out by being honest, helpful, and caring to the other person.

Third, Jesus says that in matters affecting the church, if the first two steps do not resolve the issue, the church should become involved. As I stated before, here, it is important to remember that the church is the community of believers affected by the conflict. This step can be difficult, but it may be necessary. The goal is not to push the offender away, but to restore them into the fold. We must remember that the shepherd always tries to bring back the one lost sheep, even when the other ninety-nine are safe as described in the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15:3–7.

Just imagine how much healthier the church (or any organization or relationship) would be if we actually followed this process. This would solve problems in churches, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods, in our families, and in our world.

What if the resolution is not achieved? Jesus, in Matthew 18:17: ”…If the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a gentile and a tax collector.” What does that mean? I think we should remember that the disciple Matthew was a tax collector. Jesus did not shy away. He encouraged Matthew to follow him. Jesus also told Zacchaeus in Luke 19, that he was going to come to his house for dinner. Why would Jesus do that? It was to open the door to mercy, invitation, and reconciliation.

The last part of this scripture passage in Matthew 18:19–20, Jesus is giving us encouragement that comes about with these instructions. Again, in the midst of these divisions, Jesus is saying, “I am here with you.” Jesus is here in the midst of the struggle. He is not distant. Essentially, he’s saying you follow these steps and leave the consequences up to me. He is telling us that he is right there with us when we are going through this process. The abiding presence of God or Christ with the community of believers is a recurring theme throughout the book of Matthew and should be reassuring to us.

There are stories in the Bible about conflict and God’s love. One such example is 2 Samuel 11–12 in the story about Bathsheba, David, and Uriah. Where there were such things as adultery, murder, reconciliation, and love involved. The story of Bathsheba and Uriah teaches that conflict resolution is not just about avoiding harm, but about transforming brokenness into healing through honesty, humility, and a commitment to right relationships.

Are you in a relationship where you need to set boundaries? Where you must keep your distance? How do we keep the door open and protect ourselves? Perhaps we should do the following:

• Tell the truth in love
• Guard what needs to be guarded
• Always keep the door of mercy open

I want to share an example of a story where conflict caused both parties to experience so much pain, yet out of reconciliation, they were able to find forgiveness. It’s the story about Matthew Boger and Tim Zaal. Perhaps you’ve heard their story before. Here is my recap of their story from “The Forgiveness Project.”

Matthew Boger at the age of thirteen, was kicked out of his home by his mother because he was not doing well in school. When she convinced him to tell her why he was not doing well, he came out to her that he was gay. Her response was to kick him out of the house and into the streets of San Francisco. He was constantly being victimized on the streets there. He decided to move to Los Angeles. However, after the move, he found himself a victim there also. One day he was confronted by a group of “skin heads” that had become part of the neo-Nazis and they began beating Matthew. Punching and kicking him. Then Tim Zaal arrived on the scene and asked why they were not kicking him hard enough. Tim decided to show them how it’s done and kicked Matthew as hard as he could in the forehead with his boot, leaving him for dead. Matthew recovered physically but mentally it took its toll. After learning about the death of another gay person that unfortunately didn’t survive, Matthew felt compelled to seek work at The Museum of Tolerance in L.A. The museum hosts regular exhibits, educational programs, and public events focused on human rights and confronting prejudice.

As it turns out Tim Zaal (the attacker) had since married, had a child, turned to faith and begun reconciling his own issues with his past. As part of his reconciliation, he too was doing work at The Museum of Tolerance. After twenty-six years, Matthew and Tim’s paths crossed once again. Matthew, who had been trying to avoid that incident and anything connected to it, suddenly was faced with meeting the person whose boot kicked him in the forehead and left him for dead. While Matthew had been avoiding the incident but living with the memories, Tim says “he had thought for years that he had killed another person and struggled immensely with this thought.” Matthew came to the realization that he had to forgive Tim. Being the victim wasn’t working anymore. For Tim, he had to begin forgiving himself — recognizing his actions and stopping the rationalization about what he did and why. After a while through their work, they began working on a presentation called Hate 2 Hope. The presentation is about reconciliation and forgiveness. It is a very powerful thing. There was also a film documentary called “Facing Fear” about their story that was broadcast across the country in 2015. This is an example of conflict that caused great hurt yet began to heal through reconciling differences and applying forgiveness.

In researching what Martin Luther’s teaching is regarding conflict, a good summary goes something like this:

• Be humble in confronting sin privately, avoiding public shaming.
• Be patient in seeking reconciliation, trusting God’s timing.
• Use the Church’s authority when needed, recognizing it as a divine gift.
• Live in the reality of God’s forgiveness, so that we can extend it freely.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if in our crazy messy world, we could see more conflict resolution taking place — where conflict is tackled and overcome with God’s grace and love, where people cared more for one another as neighbors rather than dealing out harsh unforgiving words or actions, where a world started to heal rather than be torn apart? All we can do as believers is continue to pray, forgive others and follow the Words of Jesus in our own lives. Doing this will set an example for others including our children by showing them the power of God’s forgiveness.

Is there someone in your life with whom you are not reconciled? If so, perhaps you should give thought to making the first move to rebuild the relationship. After all, isn’t that what today’s scripture is about. Jesus gives us the “how.” It’s up to us to carry it through by following his teaching, by showing our willingness to reach out and heal the brokenness. Remember, you are not alone. He is with you and me in the midst of it all.

Let us pray — Lord, help us to listen to your words and help us deal in our conflicts with compassion and grace. Guide us through the steps in understanding your will, together with our needs, to maintain healthy relationships. May we handle our conflicts with others in a manner that is pleasing to you. Give us the wisdom to help us heal what is broken in our lives. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.